


Carousel

by Hibkei



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Impossible Things, Louis is a little lost, M/M, Magical Realism, amusement park at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 08:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6747313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hibkei/pseuds/Hibkei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Was there anything more melancholy than an amusement park at night when all the crowds had gone and the lights had dimmed?</p><p>Louis didn’t think so.</p><p>Why then had he hid himself away all night waiting for just that?</p><p>Every night Louis finds himself at the old carousel. It’s his peace, his only sense of focus through the fog that is his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carousel

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, short note to say thanks for checking out this little story and to drop some songs that I listened to while writing that you may give a listen to if you wish:
> 
> Sleeping at Last - Saturn  
> Sleeping at Last - North  
> Radiohead - Motion picture Soundtrack  
> Ella Henderson - Yours  
> One Direction - If I could Fly

Was there anything more melancholy than an amusement park at night when all the crowds had gone and the lights had dimmed?

Louis didn’t think so.

Why then had he hid himself away all night waiting for just that? He waited for the stillness, the eeriness of flyers ambling along the trodden grass propelled by lazy breezes. Waited until the last of the workers had taken themselves away on weary feet and the old security guard was dozing in his little office.

When he'd determined that all was clear he slipped out of his hiding place and made his way as quickly as he dared to the carousel.

It was an old, dusty thing. Situated in the middle of the grounds as if it had been the starting point, the origin from which all the other amusements grew.

It’s top once a bright red with gold detailing was faded now, it’s opulent veneer giving way to the humbleness underneath. The animals stood proud as if the chips, the missing paint, scuff marks and, dents were actually badges of honour. They had fought battles, long and hard and they had won.

Louis passed by the impressive new roller coaster, gleaming in the patches of moonlight. It rose high above his head and from his vantage point it was as if it would merge with the clouds chasing each other across the sky.

He wanted to be up there but he could never stomach it. He would lose his lunch every time even if he hadn’t had any.

Feeling a chill he gathered his denim jacket closer to himself. Being cold always made him moody and he was almost always cold. But this was worth it. The carousel at night was always worth it.

 He approached quietly, his eyes searching for his favourite animal, the deer.

Louis spotted it near the back of the inner row and he smiled so wide his entire face transformed. He used to think that those kinds of smiles weren’t for him but he'd been wrong. He'd been wrong about a lot of things.

Hopping up on the platform he wove in between an elegant white horse and a snarling tiger. He took a step up to the second row of animals and found himself between a rather relaxed polar bear and an angry ostrich. 

He moved across to the other side and there he was, his favourite sandwiched between a bemused camel and a sleeping giraffe. 

Louis took a moment to just look. The deer was perfect, in better condition than many of the other animals and a gleam in its eye that always made him chuckle.

Running a small hand along it’s saddle, Louis sighed happily. Everything was alright again now that he was here. The quiet desolation of the amusement park around him was a distant thought.

“Hey there,” Louis was unable to keep the fondness out of his voice.

“The moon wants to say hi but it’s not sure you’re up for a chat.”

At those words there was a childlike giggle that caused Louis to beam and step back.

The twinkle in the deer’s large eyes became a light, small but bright and Louis closed his own like he always did, the light too much to handle after so much darkness.

As soon as the light dimmed he opened them eagerly to see his boy sitting cross legged where the deer had once been.

“Hi Harry.” Louis beamed plopping down in front of his friend, immediately tucking his legs in the same position.

“Louis!” Harry flung his long arms out capturing Louis in an awkward upper body hug. Louis loved it.

This is what he lived for. These nights with Harry in the dark when the rides were silent with only the moon to keep them company. Now he was alive. Any other time he was just existing, waiting.

His days were listless, empty, stretching forever out to the horizon and beyond. Nothing had felt real until he'd found this place.

He'd stumbled upon it one night, walking aimlessly as he always did. Watching through the fence, the old red carousel was the first thing that had caught his eye. He could only see the tips of its canopy but right away he'd wanted to see more.

Sneaking in had been easy. He didn’t have any money on him for a ticket but it hadn’t mattered.

Louis had woven past the sparse crowd, eyes not even lifting to take in the spinning ferris wheel or the screams coming from the roller coaster. Nothing was interesting enough to grab him. He was intent on one thing.

To this day he didn’t know what had pulled him. It had to have been Harry’s magic calling out to him. There really was no other explanation. His nights here were his solace, his one true place where everything was finally in focus.

So every evening when the sun finally set he made his way here. Sneaking in was part of his ritual, it gave him a slight thrill every time. He would stay until closing, wandering around taking in the sights and the families. 

Then when the crowds left he would tuck himself away and wait. One by one, the rides went dark, the cleaners came out, picking up stray pieces of rubbish, workers closed down their stations and vendors locked up their stalls.

It was surreal watching an amusement park go to sleep every night. Without the music, the lights, it seemed like a sleeping dragon, the spine of it rising high against the backdrop of the night sky.

It was a quiet not meant to be disturbed. It was a peace made just for him and Harry.

The first time he met Harry, Louis had almost fainted. He'd stayed all night not wanting to leave and had made his way back to the carousel to admire the intricate carvings and paint jobs on the animals. 

His favourite was the deer from the first moment he saw it. It was smiling and had the largest green eyes. Hopping up to it he'd made the rash decision to climb up. He couldn’t ever remember being on a carousel and he wanted to test it out.

As soon as he'd swung his leg over and settled his weight on its back he'd been greeted with a teasingly affronted,

“Heeeey.”

Startling, he'd scrambled off the animal and looked around him to see who had caught him out but there was no one. Panicking, Louis had spun on his heel looking wildly about.

The deer with its glinting green eyes had seemed to be smiling wider and Louis had remained rooted to the spot as the light erupted, forcing his eyes closed.

After getting over the initial shock of it all, accepting it didn’t prove difficult for Louis. It was too exciting, too adventurous to run away from. How could he? Something this fantastical was meant to be embraced surely, so Louis embraced it with everything he had.

Harry was his and he had no intention of letting him go.

Letting his hands fall away from their grip on Harry’s back, Louis leaned back and grinned at him.

“So how’s it going? Anyone puke on you today?”

“Shut up Louis.” Harry’s answering smile was just as wide as Louis’.

“Any good stories tonight?” Louis asked eagerly. 

Harry told the best stories and he was always willing to share. Louis would spend hours listening to his deep, slow voice as he talked to him about the strangest things. He would talk about dreams and how there was a whole dream realm with a ruler who walked the earth when he wanted. How men had captured him and taken his helm, his gemstone, his dream dust and scattered them. Every night he would tell Louis more about the Dream King’s quest to rebuild his shattered kingdom.

Louis had never heard anything like it and he would listen with bated breath, asking questions when he didn’t understand a particular bit. His stories were detailed, beautiful, wistful, sometimes slightly horrifying like the bit where the Dream King visited Hell. Louis always wanted more of them.

“No, no stories tonight.” Harry sounded almost far away and Louis looked to him curiously.

“Oh alright then, what shall we talk about?” 

He tried to keep his tone light even though his heart had started to beat a steady rhythm. Something had shifted and he didn’t know what.

Harry regarded him quietly, reverently.

“We could talk about you. I always want to know about you Louis.”

In between the stories they would talk of other things. Harry would ask Louis about his life, about the things he loved, his hobbies, his family but Louis never really knew what to say when it was about him. The words would just never come. The fog that was his days would start to settle back into his mind and it always made him uncomfortable, fidgety. He preferred to sit back and let Harry’s words, his presence wash over him.

Harry was so beautiful to Louis, so perfect with his long chocolate hair, curling around his ears and touching his shoulders. His green eyes always sparkled at Louis even in the dark and his cheeks would dimple whenever Louis made him smile or laugh which was often. He was lean but taller than louis, his hands and feet bigger and Louis always felt safe when he was surrounded by him.

Harry was smiling down at him now and Louis reached a finger out to poke at his dimple. Harry laughed and captured it bringing it to his cheek with both of his hands. He rubbed his face into Louis’ hand, his soft skin feeling like a kiss.

Louis flushed moving to tug on one of Harry’s curls before settling with his hand in Harry’s between them.

“What do you do when you’re not here with me at night?” Harry asked as he entwined their fingers.

“Things, very important things,” Louis replied with a raised brow.

Harry frowned slightly. Every night he asked Louis that question and every night Louis answered the same. Sometimes with a cheeky expression, sometimes with no mirth but always with sadness in his eyes.

The moon shifted behind another cloud, shrouding them in even more darkness and Harry knew the time had come. He took a deep breath to steady himself.

“I won’t be here tomorrow night.”

“What? why?” 

Harry’s statement had pulled Louis out of his quiet contentment and his heart began to race.

“They’re going to start refurbishing the carousel tomorrow.”

“What?” Without meaning to, Louis had pulled his hands out of Harry’s. “They can’t just do that!”

Harry regarded him with sad eyes.

“I’m so sorry Louis but it’s time.”

“What do you mean it’s time?”

“The carousel is old, you see all the chips and dents. They’re going to fix all the animals, maybe even get some fancy new ones. It’ll break the spell. I won’t be here anymore. It’s my time Louis. I have to go and I need you to move on.” 

Harry’s voice was steady and he tried to keep his face neutral even as he watched Louis’ begin to fall. 

“I don’t want to move on, I want to be with you. I would be with you all the time if I could.” He was rambling, gesturing wildly. “I would come by in the day too if I could and just sit and watch you even though you wouldn’t know I was there.”

“I would know,” Harry said quietly, “You’re my absolute favourite person in the world Louis. I would know.”

“And you’re mine Harry.” Louis gripped at Harry’s hands, crushing them in his smaller ones.

“That’s why I can’t come back tomorrow night. That’s why I need you to move on, to live as fully as you can my love.”

“What will happen to you, where will you go? where am I supposed to go?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll always have these moments Louis, always.”

“I want to stay.”

“You can’t Louis.” 

Harry had given up any pretence at being unaffected. He was broken watching Louis giving in to the despair that had been lining his edges for so long.

Louis saw the sheen in Harry’s eyes through the haze of his own. He'd never seen Harry this way, desperate. Louis had never felt this way himself. It was like falling off a cliff, grappling for purchase, for something to stop the inevitable. He held on as tightly as he could.

“All these nights Harry. They mean everything to me. To us. How am I supposed to go on knowing you won’t even exist anymore?”

“I’ll always exist for you Louis. Always for you, with you.”

Dawn was coming. Louis could feel it creeping into his bones the way you can when you’ve stayed up all night. The sky was still dark but it had lost it’s inkiness and it was only a matter of time before it started showing colours. Colours he hadn’t seen in a while.

This was the longest he'd ever been out here. He always left well before the sunrise, wanting to make sure that neither of them ever got caught. However, tonight, for some reason the park had stayed open much later than it usually did. It had seemed like the lights would never go out, like the crowds would never leave. Tonight had been different and Louis had known it but he hadn’t wanted to believe it.

“I’ve stayed too long. It will be light soon.”

“You haven’t stayed too long. Stay just a little bit more, just this one last time. Then you have to promise me Louis that you’ll move on, that you won’t come back looking for me. Promise me.” 

Louis wanted to rage, to throw a tantrum ill-befitting his twenty-four years. He wanted to cry and scream and kick and say no, I don’t promise, no, I will come back, I’ll always come back, but instead,

“I promise.” 

He could say the words and mean them because Harry asked him to but he couldn’t hold back the tear that sneaked it’s way down his face. As soon as he blinked, more followed.

Harry pulled at their connected hands until he had Louis gathered in his arms with his tears soaking into his chest. Harry let his head drop unto Louis’ and they stayed that way, swaying in their carousel, the animals oblivious to their pain, their love.

How quickly things change. The night had started out like countless others for Louis and now, it would never be the same again.

“I love you Louis, so much.” Harry cried the words, drowning in tears.

“I love you Harry. You’re my light. The only good thing. The only thing left.”

Harry made a strangled noise in his throat at Louis’ words. It was as if he'd been physically struck.

“No love, you have so much, so much and I never want you to give up, never forget.”

“There’s nothing Harry.” Louis clung to him his fingers grasping his flimsy white shirt. “This place is all there is. You’re all there is. Everything else is smoke and fog and you’re sending me back out there and I can’t even have you to come back to anymore.”

“I know it’s scary Louis but you have to. You promised. You have to for me.” 

Harry’s words were wrenched from him and he dug his fingers into Louis’ knowing that it was a bruising hold. But how could he not? This was his beautiful boy, the only thing in his small world of metal and wood, paint and wonder. The only thing that was real and he had to let him go. He had to make Louis see that he couldn’t make this his life. This was not his life. This was Harry’s and Louis deserved so much more.

Louis’ sobs were loud. But neither could tell who’s were louder as they mingled together. It was a wonder that they hadn’t already been discovered and Louis thrown out onto the dark streets.

The sky outside was no longer black, it was a dull, muted blue, the kind that was caught in the in-between, the night and the morning right before the colours exploded across the sky. The colours Louis would finally see.

“Kiss me?” Louis' voice was smaller than he was, trembling and unsure.

“Of course.”

Harry tilted Louis’ chin with long graceful fingers, shaking with feeling he lowered his face and connected their lips. Wet with tears they slid across each other, purer than anything either had ever felt.

It was their first and it would be their last. It was beautiful and it was tragic. To have this so brief a moment, so infinite a feeling, Louis and Harry both were lost to it.

They stayed connected, hands touching, fingers searching chests and necks, sweeping hair and caressing faces. Harry tasted sweet like red candy, Louis tasted of mint and around them the world awoke.

Louis was jostled when Harry broke the kiss. He wanted to ask for another but he felt his hands losing their grip, Harry’s skin no longly as pliable as it had been just moments ago.

He looked in Harry’s eyes and he knew, they both knew. He'd lingered longer than he ever had and the time had come. 

With heavy breaths Louis scrambled up from his position in Harry’s lap, taking time to sweep his fingers through Harry’s long hair and across his cheekbones as he rose.

The light started to glow again from those large eyes and Louis wanted to watch, wanted to see but as usual he couldn’t. 

“I love you,” Louis whispered, watery, his voice garbled. 

He opened his eyes and there he was his boy, no longer his, his large eyes gleaming, his paint perfect, in better condition than most of the other animals around him.

“My absolute favourite.”

The words floated to him on the air and he knew they were Harry’s the last he would ever hear.

Louis wanted to throw himself at the deer and just stay there forever. They would come and try to take him away but he wouldn’t budge. He would stay glued, unwilling, unable to move.

Instead, Louis walked backwards between the relaxed polar beer and the angry ostrich. Without looking he took the step onto the first platform and moved slowly between the elegant horse and the snarling tiger. He took another step and his feet felt the grass beneath him and then, only then it was real.

He turned and looked to the sky, it was blue and pink and purple pastels that made his insides warm despite the cold in his soul.

Harry had been his gift, life’s way of saying sorry for all the darkness. Harry had been his light and now he'd promised him that he would find light in other places too. He had no idea how, but he knew that he had to try.

The deer, his deer in the carousel would always be with him, no matter what. Harry had been impossible. He was something that should never had been but yet he had and he had been Louis’.

Looking ahead the old guard was ambling towards the locked entrance and Louis followed him. For some reason he felt no fear at being caught. He would be okay. Harry had said there was more for him out there so maybe the world wasn’t that bad after all. 

The guard held the gate open as he watched Louis approach. Louis felt as if he had to say something. 

“Sorry for sneaking in sir.”

“It’s okay kid. I seen you in here every night. I know you had to be searching for something. You never caused no harm but it’s best you be going now.”

His smile was warm with no malice and Louis found himself smiling back, his face tight with dried tears.

“Thank you sir.” 

He ambled past heading through the gates. His last thought as he passed through them was that the morning was way brighter than any he had ever remembered.

 

**** **** ****

 

The steady beeping that had become Harry’s life kept him company as he rummaged through his leather satchel, a twenty first birthday gift from his now fiance.

“What will it be today Lou?” He asked as he shuffled through the small stack of books in his bag.

“We’ve got _Neverwhere, American Gods,_ and oh look at that, _Sandman_ all 10 volumes _._ ” He chuckled quietly at the choices he brought today, “Yeah I know, it’s a Neil Gaiman kind of day what can I say. No complaining.”

Harry sighed deeply as the beeping continued. Sometimes it was so hard to do this, to keep up his cheery persona, to be the one telling everyone else that it would be okay when all he wanted was to crumble.

He felt tears coming and stubbornly willed them away.

“Okay, _Sandman_ going once … going twice … sold to the small one with the blue eyes!” 

Who was he kidding. It was always Sandman. Harry didn’t even know why he bothered to bring any other books.

 

_Beep … Beep._

 

“Come one Lou it gets better with the third read. I promise on my ring. All my rings even.” Harry reached a large hand over and closed his long ring clad fingers over Louis’ small pale ones. 

“You know what you have to do if you don’t want to hear anymore about the Lord of Dreams. Say the word and it can be _‘_ One Tree Hill’ fanfic. I know you read it when you think I’m not looking.”

 

_Beep … Beep_

 

Three months, one week and two days since the call. Three months since Louis had last spoken. Three months since the car accident. Three months since Harry had felt a part of himself splinter away listening to the news. 

Louis had been on his way to pick up Harry after a long week at work. They were going to their spot. The carousel at their local amusement park. The place they had met when they were kids when Harry had decided to climb up on the smiling deer of the unmoving carousel and had promptly fallen off. He'd cried until he heard a little boy laughing.

“You fall funny.” The little Louis had said between guffaws, hands clapping.

Harry had wanted to be upset. His butt hurt and he was embarrassed. Instead he giggled.

“I do not!” He'd wheezed out between giggles.

“Yea you do, lets get ice-cream. That makes everything better.”

So they had. Of course Harry’s had fallen on the grass and he'd cried again. This time though Louis didn’t laugh because losing your ice-cream was serious and devastating business. They ended up sharing Louis’ and just like that everything was okay again.

They grew up, they stayed friends, they went away to university, they fell in love, they came back, and through it all the carousel had been theirs.

Two months before the accident Louis had asked Harry to marry him right there where they had met, a beautiful silver band wedged on top of an ice-cream cone. The ring had been sticky and kind of gross to put on but it had been perfect in the way only Louis could make it.

Harry looked at the nightstand next to Louis’ hospital bed, at the little replica carousel he'd put there a week into his comma. Every night he would turn it on and watch as it spun, little lights dancing across the room, wishing that Louis would wake up and yell at him to turn those fucking lights off.

Sighing again, he opened his book.

“Last chance love, Morpheus is about to get into some serious business here. for. the. third. time.”

Harry took a breath ready to begin reading from the beginning about Morpheus the Lord of Dream …

 

_Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep_

 

Harry’s eyes flew up from the graphic novel and it fell to the floor as he leaned over Louis’ face. He held his breath and he watched his fiance’s, his best friend’s eyes flutter around under his lids.

“Louis, love, please wake up. Please tell me how annoying my reading is.”

Blue eyes blinked back up at him, groggy and sluggish but open.

Harry almost fainted.

“Louis.”

Louis was struggling to say something it seemed but he couldn’t get words out, it had been too long perhaps. Harry had no idea he just knew that his world had just righted itself in the span of seconds. The same amount of time it had taken to tilt it in the first place.

“Don’t try to talk love, I’ll get the doctor. I love you, I love you, I love you.” Harry kissed his face and ran from the room on unsteady legs, almost falling but righting himself at the last moment.

Louis closed his eyes and breathed. The room silent. He kept trying to work words from this throat. He was disoriented and a little adrift but he knew he was safe.

It had been a touchy thing. The grey space, the fog, the darkness. The only thing that felt tangible, the only thing that held him was that carousel, his deer, his boy, Harry.

“My favourite.” He finally pushed the words up his throat, but they came with no real sound, just a barely audible whisper in the empty room.  

Morning light poured in through the windows as feet rushed towards him. A strange man in a white coat came bustling to his side, Harry flanking him, his face a mess of tears and relief.

A light was being shined in Louis’ eyes, he was being poked and prodded but he kept his focus on the long haired boy beside him.

Through his hazy thoughts, he knew without a doubt that somehow, in some unimaginable way, Harry had followed him into the grey. He hadn’t let him go alone.

Louis knew that Harry had meant to bring him home and as impossible as that task had been, he had.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've never read Neil Gaiman's Sandman graphic novels please do. You're welcome in advance :).
> 
> I'm Crows-onthewire on tumblr


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